The Soapbox

Daily Diatribe 4/7/97:"Wherefore art thou, spinach salad?"

Today, I am impassioned about many things. But I feel compelled to focus on the event which most starkly botched up my weekend. What with boyfriend troubles and looming tax deadlines and daylight savings (?@#$%!!!), my weekend was well on its way into the crapper without the enthusiastic nudge of Pizzeria Uno, former purveyors of the world's most satisfying spinach salad. Notice my use of the word "former." You see, big sis Sarah and I skipped on over to the Pizzeria Uno in her neighborhood yesterday evening and fully intended to enjoy a mammoth spinach salad and some other mediocre food item when we realized that the mother of all spinach salads had been removed from the menu!?! I can barely believe it now, still reeling in the aftermath of this mournful event am I. I confirmed the unhappy truth with our server and cried out, "But why?" And he said, "Because no one ever ordered it." "We did," I protested. To which he countered, "No one except you." We sulked then selected a decidedly less appealing salad choice and buffalo wings, knowing full well that we would not cross the threshold of this or any other likewise-named establishment ever again. After all, the pizza isn't even any good to begin with.

And it occurred to me that the gol-durned retail and food sevice industries are pretty gol-durned inconsiderate. Spinach salad -- or lack thereof -- is merely the tip of this embittered iceberg. Why can't you depend on anything anymore? Every time I find a mascara that suits me, it's discontinued and replaced by a product in a similar container which manages to not lengthen my lashes while at the same time causing bouts of temporary blindness. Why can't you buy push-up pops without the Fred and Barney motif? Is the Women's Hosiery Conspiracy (WHC) vying to shuffle style names so often that I can't ever buy a pair of stockings that fits? How come you can't buy a milkshake with fat in it at any of the major fast food restaurants (with the exception of Jack in the Box and In 'n' Out -- bless you both) anymore? I implore you to leave my milkshakes alone -- and toss a hunk of lard in the fryer while you're at it. There's a whole generation of kids growing up not knowing how good french fries used to be, and that's an outright crime.

Fact is, I'm sure the guys in charge of these things think they're giving me what I want -- à la New Coke. And while there are plenty of things which could stand to be improved, it would behoove the powers that be to run their ideas by me first. I'm sure the world would be a much happier place.

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