to Pizzeria Uno and ask them to put the Spinach Salad back on the
- Don't buy anything
there, for God's sake. Just tell them that you wish the Spinach Salad
was back on the menu. For some reason, they don't seem to want to
listen to me.
quietly in the cinema
- I know it's
probably not you. You're cool. You visit me online. You couldn't possibly
be the sort that speaks full voice at the cinema. You couldn't possibly
be that guy who brings his own homemade snacks to the theater in an
especially noisy plastic bag. You couldn't be the drunk hooligans
off to the right who can't keep from kicking over the empty 40 oz.
beer bottles they left on the floor. You couldn't be the person behind
me who keeps stepping on my hair. Could you?
a very expensive violin to me
- If I'm ever
going to achieve that enlightened level of playing that only the masters
have displayed, I'm going to need a better instrument than the violin
I bought on eBay two and a half years ago. It came in a case that
was spray-painted silver, for the love of Pete.
a freaking heater in my office
- I don't toil
away on the Alaskan tundra or anything, but my office is cold enough
to keep popsicles firm. You know how they say that when you freeze
to death, you just sort of go to sleep and all your body's functions
just slow down gradually until they come to a complete stop? My point
drive around with frayed pieces of colored tape where your tail lights
- You're not fooling
me. A piece of a plastic bag that you colored with a red marker and
then taped over your brake lights is just not going to cut it. Having
a damaged lamp cover is not a badge of glory. No one thinks it's cool.
And no one believes you can't afford to get it fixed.
- Come on. You
want it to be nice when you come over, don't you? I've really got
far too much to do to be expected to keep everything nice and tidy
and in its place. I can't be neat. I'm CREATIVE.
- You can opt
for this one if you feel that the previous request was over the top.
- With all the
effort I put into looking my very best for you, the least you could
do is make sure I always have clean socks to wear. I prefer dryer
sheets to fabric softener, and I don't buy into any of this "color-safe
- I'm not asking
for hibernation privileges. I'm not even asking for a smidge of beauty
sleep here. I just don't think I should have to be awakened, startled,
or serenaded at different points of the day by the hideous noises
that accompany the questionable lifestyle of the trashy people who
live downstairs from me.
- It would make
my mom so very pleased if I would show up at her house with a nice
shiny car. While you're at it, find some place to stick all the old
mail you find under the seats, too.
- Put a CD
player in my car
- Santa missed
me last Christmas.
- Watch and
love Spongebob Squarepants
- You couldn't
stay awake long enough to keep The Tick on the air. You wrote
altogether too few letters to HBO about the travesty of canceling
Mr. Show. Quite frankly, I think keeping my favorite NickToon
flush in the ratings is the very least you could do at this point.
to notice when I'm wearing something new (which is practically every
damn day, so it shouldn't be too much of a strain for you)
- I go to a lot
of trouble to keep you happy (and to keep my visits to the dry cleaners
to a minimum). When I buy a whole new outfit and come waltzing into
my office or happen to bump into you on the street, toss me a compliment.
I promise: it'll make my day.
your baked potatoes without onions
- I do. And I
would appreciate it if you would help me by getting servers used to
the idea of fulfilling my very small request that my potato not be
smothered in finely chopped green onions. And don't tell me to pick
them off either.
- Don't skimp on the pizza sauce
- I really don't
eat pizza that frequently, but so often when I do, I'm disappointed
to find the one compact disc-sized blotch of pizza sauce under the
mottled, rubbery cheese and I wonder to myself if this is really what
God intended. It sure doesn't taste like it.
- Put Midori in all my drinks
- I promise, I
won't complain. It's green and sweet and syrupy and Japanarific. I
especially like it when you throw in a maraschino cherry, too.
your turn signal
- I'd like to
be able to read your mind. Really, I would. But it's a skill I've
not yet mastered. And as such, I have no idea where you are going
or at what point you will need to cut me off in order to get there.
If you would be so kind as to press on that little lever next to your
steering wheel to let me know when you would like me to slam on my
brakes to avoid hitting you as you come careening into my lane, I
would be ever so grateful.
- Keep your middle finger to yourself
- When I indicate
to you by some means -- a horn toot, a roll of the eyes, a graceful
gesture perhaps -- that you have startled me on the road, there's
really no need for you to show that digit to me. I know you have one.
It would be so much more interesting if you were to hold up your hand
to show me that you were in fact missing your middle finger. I wouldn't
mind that much at all.
- Keep stray "x"s out of words like "et cetera," "especially" and
- There simply
aren't any "x"s there. You're just overworking yourself
adding unnecessary consonants in this case.
a television show based loosely on my life and wacky experiences
- I would love
to be able to tune in on some prescribed weeknight and watch a group
of actors muddle through trials and tribulations that approximate
my day-to-day headaches, only on a much campier and more merchandisable
level. And I would like the actress who plays the character based
loosely on me to be me.