Care for a nice
cold glass of my venom? It's fresh! By popular demand, I have assembled
a far-from-exhaustive compendium of the things which make me least pleased.
- If you're reading
my version of this page for the first time and you've seen and done
a few things online, you may be struck by how similar it is to the
contents of some other online personalities' site contents. That's
because there are numerous morally bankrupt Internet criminals out
there who think it would be a nice idea to take the stuff I've written
and post it on their own web sites and pretend they came up with it
in the privacy of their own homes. For some reason, the Peeve-O-Rama
in particular has fallen prey to this brand of kidnapping more than
any other page on my site. But I've encountered ruthless jerks who
post my FAQ
page, my Free
Font Fiesta, and any number of other pretty Mary-Forrest-specific
parts of my web site VERBATIM on their own domains without giving
me a shred of credit. What's that about?
- I refrain from
expounding on the obvious. ALthough, now that I no longer host my pages on that demon mothership, I might be inclined to be more explanatory. Perhaps at a later date. King of the Hill had a nice AOL conspiracy reference this weekend. I applaud it.
Abominations (courtesy of Adam C.)
- Gather 'round,
fellow lovers of the language. My first example is only properly irritating
when it appears in written form: "would of," "should of," and "could
of." Much as these may sound correct, they are just lazy vernacularizations
of the proper "would HAVE," "should HAVE," and "could HAVE." Another
needling example is "suppose to" which, when correctly written looks
something like this: "supposed to." As in, "You are SUPPOSED TO have
learned this stuff back in elementary school." And if you respond
by saying you could care less, I'll wring your sorry neck.
- Just stay out
of my way. That's all I ask.
Overuse of Double Entendre
- Nothing tickles
the funny bone quite as ineffectively as humor of the obvious. The
next time someone says their job's a pain in the ass, fight the urge
to say, "I'll give you a pain in the ass!" Fight it valiantly, my
- I'll go where
I please, thanks very much. Besides, "don't go there" -- which used
to be a suggestive phrase intended to convey wit and insightful use
of double entendre -- has come to mean "I have no response to what
you're saying but I want you to think that I'm funny and 'down with
it.'" The comedy boat is pulling away from the pier, folks, and there
ain't no room for slackers.
- I'm an understanding
sort of gal. But if you're going to be really late, you'd better have
a sucking chest wound or a note from your parole officer. This lady
does not like to wait.
- Two words: Sea
- Good Lord, people!
When is this ritual ever really necessary? Oh, that's right. Apparently,
it's necessary anytime I'm sleeping and don't wish to be disturbed
(at length) by the roar of your lawn equipment. If you could just
get that thing to sustain a monotonous pitch, instead of the perpetual
arpeggios of gas-powered groaning...Well, maybe I'm just against any
tool that requires the wearing of a gasoline backpack.
- Have you noticed
that nothing's new anymore? From the use of tired old rock songs to
sell hamburgers to the use of tired old rock songs to sell hamburgers.
When is the advertising world going to wise up and start using tired
old rock songs to sell other things like drapes and portable woodworking
- It's not as
if I created this font, Tekton that is. Nor was I the first happy
font aficionado to compose a letter to a friend in its neatly handprinted-looking
typeface. But Tekton (occasionally found masquerading as "Architect",
"Technical", or some other name containing "TEC") is every-freaking-where
and it's driving me batty! McDonald's, car commercials, the breakfast
menu at the Bedrock City gift shop -- it's everywhere, I tell you!
. . . Is it just me, or does this peeve have a decidedly "Soylent
Green is people!" feel to it? Anyway, someone else has seen fit to
devote a whole page to the subject. Tekton
Sightings is not completely updated, but it supports my case.
- I just don't
want to know.
- I know everyone
picks on cancer and AIDS, but I'm having trouble finding anything
nice to say about them, so I'll hop on the bandwagon and chime right
in: down with cancer and AIDS!
- I haven't suffered
the loss of very many close friends or acquaintances, so I can't really
give this topic its due. I think I'm more often tormented by the fact
that food goes bad than the reality of our eventual and inevitable
doom. Why don't I ever feel like having a salad until the lettuce
is a slimy mass of wilted gunk? And why am I so frugal that I'm often
tempted to eat it anyway rather than cope with wasting it? God help
- This is a shout-out
to all my pals operating registers at grocery stores or processing
returns at department stores or answering inane questions at video
rentals or offering technical assistance for top-heavy online service
providers or vying for parking at the mall: Be nice! Santa Claus is
- This is kind
of a no-brainer. Honesty is only divine when you're telling people
what they want to hear. In all other instances, tact -- and occasionally
downright lying reign supreme. To put my assertion to the test, try
telling your girlfriend which part of her body could best benefit
from the attention of a cosmetic surgeon and then just sit back and
watch what fun ensues. I suggest you have the popcorn ready well in
advance for this event.
- I think, of
all the items on this list, anticlimax is what I hate the most.